Watercolour Sky
by PeanutNinja
Summary: He's always the responsible one. The one who wears the mask, and never breaks composeur. What happens when Hotch loses control?


_"And so it is, just like you said it would be. Life goes easy on me, most of the time. And so it is, the shorter story, no love no glory, no hero in her sky" _

_The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice._

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><p>He stares at the sky, the midnight blue weeps into the blazing, defiant orange before melting into a calm yellow. Sometimes, he wonders, if the sky is crying for them all, for all the loss and suffering that happens on the lump of rock in a destitute corner of space. Other times he shakes his head at such absurdities, at the thought of the cosmos weeping for savage animals, in the end that's all anyone is. But right now? Right now he isn't sure. He looks away from the scene and back to the grey stone in front of him, he thinks she would like this spot, she can bathe in the summer sunshine yet the elderly willow can shield her from the biting winter wind. Still though, his thoughts come back to him, his questions come back in a rapid torrent, does it always have to end this way? He runs his hands through his hair, resigning himself to his sinking stomach, these days its getting harder to remember the happy endings.<p>

Aaron is no stranger to Grief, yet every time he meets Him he wishes, for a second, there would be a variety of the five stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. He remembers Denial well, oddly enough it passed quicker than he would have thought. His mind wanders to Anger, he hasn't been angry yet and he wonders if he used it all up destroying Foyet. He hasn't Bargained so far, no '_If she comes back I'll do this_' or '_I promise to be a better person if she comes back_' no, no nothing like that. He wonders that he might skip bargaining, he knows even if she survived she wouldn't be his, he wouldn't have her back. It isn't the first time that the idea of her permanently detaching herself from his life has crossed his mind, if she had survived. This thought makes her death easier to handle, he can't not see Jack.

At least that's what he thought.

Right now his mind is in conflict, one he never imagined he'd have to go through. Jack needs him and he needs his son, but he looks so much like her. It's the hair and the face, the way he stubbornly protests, the way a smile of excitement graces his face, those rare moments when he thinks he's undisturbed, he looks so much like her. He looks back up at the sky, it's growing darker and he knows rain isn't far off, he knows he needs to get home to Jack and fear sets in as he realises he doesn't know right now if he can do that. If he can go to Jessica's house and act ok for him without breaking down completely. Aaron always prided himself on his ability to stare down criminals in a court room, killers at a crime scene and his mentors who trained him from day one. The thought of the tiny, Haley looking five year old threatening to destroy this composer completely? Well to be blunt it fucking terrifies him beyond any Unsub, or any possible doomsday scenario threatening to engulf them all in fire, or perhaps ice, but most certainly death.

"What do I do?"

His voice breaks the thick silence and he's taken aback but how raw is sounds, how open. The foreignness of it frightens him, because what in the end does it come down to? A dead woman who meant so much to so many. He remembers all the points in their relationships down to it's ungraceful, tattered end, they'd stayed together until it bled on the floor. Sometimes… Sometimes he… He doesn't know, that's just it. He could go over every situation possible, every conceivable action he could have taken, it will have all ended the same. The question on his lips now is, did his job end the relationship, or had they both just changed too much?

'_I want you to let him know you weren't always this serious Aaron_'

Some of her last words, well what did he want to say to Jack? That his mother wasn't always so selfish? One to bottle up her anger? He kicks the willow tree repeatedly, each time the lack of damage taunts him on his weakness. Then, as if his anger was never there, he stops, straightens up and looks back at the grave, somewhat embarrassed. Haley was resentful, still fiery, but she bottled everything up, he was too tired to argue at the end of it all. He is flawed, she was flawed but she was never truly selfish, as much as his anger needs her to be. That time in the hospital, she never asked how he was, just worried about herself… And Jack. He knows that isn't entirely true, she worried about him, it was written on her face, on the ceiling and the walls in ink only they could see, the words unable to be spoken, they were a lifetime or two too late. The lack of flaws didn't stop his memories from being bitter, because at the end of the day he knows he is bitter. He wanted, needed her to understand that he couldn't walk away from the job, it has him pressed up tight against the wall, in a grasp he knows he doesn't want to escape. He shuts his eyes for a few moments and lets a memory consume him, an infamous fight.

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><p><em>It's late, the case was longer than he thought, he'd promised he'd be home for dinner. He knows he should have learnt to stop promising a long time ago. The living room light is on, Jack's room light is off, it's eleven o'clock, he wishes that just this once he would have made it for his son's bedtime. He opens the door cautiously, he isn't afraid of his wife, rather wearied by the case and not finding much strength to argue. Still he walks into the living room to be greeted with her sitting on the couch, her back to him. He knows better than to utter 'I'm sorry I'm late' so he goes for the worst. "You didn't have to wait up for me" he just wants to get this over with. She stands and turns, 'hell hath no fury' pops into his mind.<em>

_"I was under the impression you would be having dinner with us" she snarls._

_"The confession was harder to extract that we th-"_

_"Do you know how many dinnertimes, how many evenings and bedtime stories you've missed due to that job" he underestimated her anger._

_"Hailey I'm sorry I-"_

_"No, only apologise when you mean it Aaron, I'm tired of this job getting in the way of our family"_

_"You know I can't quit" he sighs, a wave of tiredness descending. He glances at the night, it's cold and unsympathetic. He turns his gaze back to her, his beautiful Haley, and for the first time in their marriage, in their whole relationship, he wonders whether or not she really is his anymore._

_"Please Aaron" he shuts his eyes as she walks over to him, it's the begging part "Get a transfer, a desk job, go back to law, just please do not stay in that job. It's killing us" she whispers, he faces her tears with an expression as equally pained._

_"Haley you know I can't do that, you know I can't sit there and watch the bad guys get away, please Haley" and as he begs he knows she will get angry. The arguments have become so routine that if this didn't hurt, didn't really fucking hurt, then he would almost be bored._

_"So your choosing your job over your family, just like you father" this ignites a new scorching anger._

_"I am nothing like my father"_

_"Really Aaron? You're never around half the time, you're always so serious now, and when you are here you're always thinking about being called away-"_

_"I don't do this intentionally Haley and you know it, I need you to understand-"_

_"Understanding? Since when have I not been understanding?" she waits for his answer, he has none "I have tried to make this work, you've tried and we've promised but, at the end of it all, I can't do it, I can't make it work and you can't either. I don't know what to do anymore, there's love here Aaron but no happiness, no glory about love conquering all. You love Jack, you love me, but face it you're a bad father and a bad husband" the words sting almost as badly now, he didn't retaliate though, after all she was, no, _is_ right._

_A case later he returns to an empty house._

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><p>He doesn't like the fact that all he has now is memories, most of them seldom good. He remembers people telling him it wasn't that they stopped loving each other, the job just got in the way. His jealousy rises as he thinks of JJ, how does she make it work? He wonders if he stayed as a lawyer would they break up anyway, childhood sweethearts seldom stay together. However usually the other half isn't shot by a narcissistic sexual sadist.<p>

His mind briefly jumps to the offer Strauss had given him, retirement. It makes him feel old, the thought of being able to watch Jack grow up however enthrals him, fills him with joy. Then he remembers she won't be there, and that in reality he would just be sitting at home, waiting for him to come home from school, knowing that there are bad guys needing to be caught yet being unable to do anything about it.

"I wish you'd understand it" he tells her, although something informs him that perhaps she is slowly getting it, at a time when it's horrifically too late to matter. He stares at his wife, ex wife, for the longest moment, no birds sing.

"I kept thinking that, perhaps if you understood, if you just got it then everything would work out for the better. I wished you'd understand that this job, it pulls you in so close that in the end it's impossible to leave." a frustrating silence greets him, a cold breeze blows past chilling him to his bones. "We made a complete mess of things" he murmurs more to himself. It's this revelation that causes him to retreat into himself, shoves his hands in his pockets and stares like a guilty child at the ground. Sometimes he still has that naïve belief that he can run away from all the pain and the hurt, if he just moves fast enough it won't catch up with him and he'll be free. He glances at the sky, an oppressive navy greets him, the horizon bleeds a sharp red and he knows he's boxed in with his emotions, he knows this time he has to deal with them rather than shut them out and wait for it all to be over.

He's aware that he's been being watched for sometime, in fact anything other than surprise occurs him his when he sees Rossi give up on spying and walk towards him. "I thought you'd want some time alone" Aaron nods but doesn't reply. He stares back at Hailey, at her headstone. He knows Rossi is watching him and most likely profiling him, he doesn't particularly care though, he knows if he bottles things up anymore he'll go insane.

"I hear your coming back to the bureau" Rossi says casually, Aaron shrugs.

"It wasn't a choice when it came down to it"

"Is Jack ok with that?" he asks.

"Jack doesn't understand it, Jessica said she'd be happy to look after him" he doesn't miss the sharp look Rossi gives him. He basks in the silence for a few minutes, not wanting the interrogation to continue, however he knows he'd be an idiot to assume that Rossi doesn't know why he's here.

"It's a cold night" he comments "It looks like it'll rain soon"

"A little water never hurt anyone" he murmurs, his head down, feeling very much like a kid than an adult.

"I know you don't think you can look him in the eye, I know you don't think you can do this but believe me when I say you can" he says softly. Aaron looks at Rossi, letting him see the grief he refuses to show to the other team members.

"He just looks so much like her" he says despondently, childishly kicking some dirt with his shoe. It's an action he can't remember doing for the last thirty years or so. "I just…" he searches for words, for what he really wants, what he knows he's been denying. Some small, bitter, spiteful part of him is almost happy she's gone, that he can spend more time with his son, he doesn't have to worry about her poisoning his mind with negative stories on him. The rest of him knows it's disgusting, wrong and oh so false, yet it's a small insecurity he knows is there. He wonders if accepting it is better. "Is it wrong that a small part of me is…" he's unsure if he can say it out loud.

"Relieved that she's gone?" Rossi finishes, he nods, forgetting how much the man actually _knows_ him. Rossi shrugs "I guess not, you don't have to worry about her anger, her bitterness, I don't imagine it's healthy"

"It's just a small part of me" he mumbles, he wonders where the mumbling and murmuring is coming from. Aaron Hotchner is anything but timid, his voice sends him shooting back to the hospital trips as a child and adolescent, the avoidance of questions and adults concerned eyes. He propels himself to the equally unpleasant future, to the graveyard and the conversation with his mentor. "What do I do?" he asks Rossi, the older man takes his time to answer, but it's an answer he expects.

"I imagine you already know that it's entirely up to you"

"I know that Jack needs me but every time I looks at him I see her face, every time I hear his voice I hear her" he laughs, it's harsher than he intended "I can stare down sociopaths, but the thought of my own son sends me screaming in the opposite direction" the bitter amusement stays on his face for a few minutes. A mockery of happiness. "I'm not quite at the bargaining stage yet" he says darkly "And I really wish I didn't have to go through it again" he feels like an alien in his own skin, the thoughts and words exiting his mouth aren't that of Aaron Hotchner. No, he reasons, they're that of an angry man feeling as though the world has wronged him in the extreme with unjust cause. A small part of his brain reminds him that unjust things happen to people all the time. Perhaps he's reverted back to denial when his mind screams 'Why me?' At the end of it all he doesn't know, he doesn't want to know. But he wonders if grief is as linear as people make out it to be. He just wants to curl up in a ball, feel her next to him one last time, speak to her without the memories of misguided spite and hate. "Maybe I can just fast forward to anger, or depression, the joy of moping around for weeks, I shouldn't be sad I guess, I lost her a long time ago" he looks at Rossi who stares back at him with an unreadable expression. "This job has taken almost everything from me, yet I keep coming back like a foolish marionette. You know things are severely skewed when your team is a happier family that your proper family" he puts his hands in his pockets, the alien giddiness still there.

"Anybody with the brains and guts to do this job has never had a normal family" it occurs to Hotch that he's right. Slowly the bubble of unidentifiable emotions simmers down and it's replaced with tiredness.

"I just keep wishing though, one more night, if I could have one more night to say, just to tell her…" he pauses, for a moment he thinks it's because being so open about his feelings with others is strange. Eventually he realises it's because maybe he has nothing to say to her.

"To tell her what?" Rossi prompts, Aaron stares up at the black, expressionless sky. Their relationship, the way he knew it anyway, had died a long time ago. Now all that is left is reminiscent to the remains of a train wreck, debris, anger and shock and tragic memories but no words, no words that hold meaning or significance anyway.

"Nothing" he says simply in a tone that would suggest he is a much younger, less jaded man. "Nothing of importance" and suddenly, underneath the gaping, starless sky he has a vision of how it will unfold. It's majestic, beautiful, simple and tragic. And for a second he's there.

They will sit down for a dinner, perhaps at her favourite restaurant and chat about days past, about interests and events of the time. Then they will find a place to dance, perhaps even their own living room, it won't matter for they will be lost in the music. As they kiss they will imagine themselves to be much much younger, optimistic lovers like they had been days lost in a murky past. They will lie, contentedly, with one another, he'll be happy to be in Haley's presence, his Haley's presence, with the promise of other nights like these in the air, each one special and significant but still completely the same. He can go there now, forever and live in the nights of no consequence or significance, the nights where his phone will never ring and the sky will glow with stars.

He can do it. He can.

If the pain of it doesn't bring him crashing back to the presence, almost have him on his knees with sobs shaking his fragile frame. As tears run down his face, ignorant of Rossi's presence a sort of resignation sets over him, not an acceptance, it's still too early for that. It all comes down to the facts, the facts he needs to remember if he wants to stay sane.

He misses Haley.

He still loves her and he doesn't think for a second that he ever stopped.

Even if she was alive he would never have her back, they would never be a family. He lost her a long time ago.

Every time he looks at Jack he sees her.

Leaving this job will kill him.

And at the end, it always has to end this way.

He gave up believing that everything has a significant purpose, that everything is done for a reason, a long time ago. He decides that if there is a God watching, he's as sick as the Unsubs they chase after. At the end of your existence, just or unjust they will throw dirt in your face as your loved ones writhe in pain.

The first few drops of cleansing rain hit the ground and chill the atmosphere. Rossi says something about getting out of the cold, something about his shoes, but Aaron isn't listening. He welcomes the rain like an old friend, that perhaps it can wash all the emotions away and leave a blank, dripping canvas that's ready to start anew. The pain is still there, the emotions still raw and the desire for her to exist as strong as ever. But he isn't important right now, his son is his main concern and he can arrive home for his bedtime, if he hurries. Still he stands and lets the rain drench him for a few more minutes, looking back at the grave as if silently trying to asses whether or not she will be ok on her own.

He follows Rossi's hurried footprints out of the muddy cemetery, sliding slightly on the wet grass. As he reaches the gate and spies David's waiting car across the street a small smile graces his features. He turns back to the cemetery one last time, the smile doesn't die quickly. He moves his gaze to the cosmos, wondering if the rain will clear and the stars will bear witness to the tiny ants scurrying on a rock in a far-flung corner of nothingness, bear witness to the grief, misery and disgusting brilliance of conscious beings. The rain pelts down harder and faster, until it's all he can hear. Aaron lets out of laugh of exhilaration. He is a man resigned in grief and depression yet very much alive and breathing. He is calming down as the rain washes away the reds of pain and anger, blues of sadness and greens of envy, leaving washed out remains of colours, a blank canvas. They allow him to embrace his mask, his façade of calm and control for his son. The rain doesn't make him feel so alone in the nothingness anymore, so despondent and miserable, it's helping clear the emotional wreckage of a relationship that he's been trapped in for so long. Still crippled with sadness and riddled with guilt Aaron Hotchner reluctantly makes his way to the car, the small smile still adorning his features.

Perhaps the sky is crying after all.

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><p><strong>This is my first attempt at a oneshot with characters other than Reid, it was the result of a game me and Please_Insert_Name decided to play where we get six genres and six team members, put their names in a hat and the ones we pick out we have to write a story about. Fortunately I got my beloved angst, I really hope this is angsty enough, I'm not sure I just keep thinking something is missing from it. Anyways, I apologise for any grammar and or spelling mistakes and I apologise if Hotch or Rossi or Haley aren't in character, character wise this is completely out of my comfort bubble. Also does anyone know the correct spelling of Haley's name, I thought it was Hailey until I looked up imdb who said it was Haley, then the CBS site said it was Hayley, gah! I'm confused.<br>**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Criminal Minds, but I did kidnap Hotch from Please_Insert_Name (she can never know) seriously though the amount of freaking innuendos she makes about his character, it's starting to ruin CM for me so desperate times call for desperate measures :P.**


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